‘Halloween: Resurrection’: All things have to end, and thank fuck this one does

The unedited version of this article is called “The stupidest shit I’ve ever seen” and the content is only me screaming.

… WHAT ?

Listen, I tried. I really wanted to be professional in this entire series of reviews. I have seen my share of stupid things while navigating the world of shitty horror. I knew that Resurrection had the worst critical reception out of the entire saga, but I thought I could deal with it. I thought I was prepared.

I wasn’t.

I always thought it was harder to talk about something that leaves you indifferent than about something you hate. Similarly, I’d always take actively disliking something over simply feeling a sense of “meh”, because at least it’d make me feel something. Apart from making me lose what was left of my sanity, Rick Rosenthal’s film also made me reconsider my entire philosophy regarding art . Talking about something mediocre is hard enough — talking about something so awful it speaks for itself is even harder.

But (unlike everyone involved in this movie) I suppose I can at least try. So let’s go back to the beginning and try to figure out where it all went wrong (spoiler alert: it’s closer to the one second mark than you’d think!)

At the end of the underwhelming H20, Laurie had decapitated Michael, finally getting rid of the Shape that had been haunting her nightmares for years. Of course, since the franchise was still successful, it had to continue, and for it to continue, it had to have its main attraction back. Although I would have personally went for a hidden twin called Jeremy Myers, the scenarists decide to make an equally questionable choice: the man that Laurie murdered wasn’t Michael but a paramedic he had swapped masks with. You might be tempted to ask why he didn’t take off the mask before Laurie killed him, considering his arms were free. Well, fear not, for the movie doesn’t give a shit about your questions. It just happened. Deal with it.

In other news, since Laurie killed an innocent man, she’s understandably a bit distraught and consequently in a mental hospital. Oh, she also hasn’t spoken once since it happened. Don’t bother remembering any of this though, because the film doesn’t give a shit about that either. It’ll actually kill Jamie after less than twenty minutes of runtime. That’s right, let’s get rid of the protagonist ! As I made pretty clear in my reviews of the previous installments, I’m not necessarily against that idea. It was one of the only bold choices in Revenge and one of the many things I liked about Curse. Only this time around, well, like many other plot elements that will follow, it is executed incredibly stupidly. Poor, poor Jamie Lee Curtis.

But wait — since the final girl is no more, than who the hell will Michael kill this time ? Who are we supposed to root for ? Boy, am I glad you asked. The premise of Resurrection is a reality TV show taking place in the Myers house where six teenagers are asked to explore it and share their findings live. We’re not quite sure why they’re doing it; for some it’s for fame, and there is a half-assed attempt at linking their participation to a potential scholarship. Let’s not get hung-up on details and instead get introduced to our protagonists.

Instead of Laurie, we now have Sara, our final girl, who is the only one at least a little reluctant about taking part in the experiment. With her are her friends Jen, desperate to take this experience to fulfill her dreams of celebrity, and Rudy, quickly established as one of the only participants with some kind of common sense. Aside from the three friends, we have Donna, a girl both smart and hot so she can give other participants a boner by quoting Sartre (this is a thing that happens! I saw it with my eyes!), Bill, who exists solely for the purpose of being forgotten and consequently killed off, and Jim, who’s just a plain weirdo and looks exactly like that one guy who wrote you a poem after talking for three minutes on Tinder. Apart from them, we also have the showrunners, Tyra Banks and Busta Rhymes (Nora and Freddie), who probably were payed just enough to stay in the project but still not enough to take it seriously, and consequently make up the least awful parts of the film.

After we are introduced to them with weird drums in the background, the fun can begin, if you think “fun” is synonymous with “boredom”. The teenagers walk around the house, inevitably finding weird stuff the crew planted inside the house to get audience boosts and even more inevitably starting to be attracted to each other to get the 2002 cinema audience a reason to stay for more than twenty minutes. I don’t consider myself a prude, but strangely enough, having sex in a a serial killer’s house has never been on my bucket list. Oh well, whatever works for you, right ?

The teenagers explore for a little while (which feels like centuries, considering we’re essentially watching characters we have no reason to care about do absolutely nothing), but soon enough something starts to feel off. Indeed, as they’re investigating the kitchen, Rudy decides to smell the old spices and herbs just for the fun of it. But get this: the fennel smells fresh.

Can we just stop for a moment ? Thanks.

I haven’t seen anyone talk about this scene and yet it absolutely kills me. I have to admit I never thought about Michael Myers’ diet but just the thought of him carefully seasoning his food is making me go insane. This man cheated the police for decades, killing dozens, perhaps hundred of people in the process, just so he could go home and make himself a nice little risotto. Does he have a food instagram ? Or can this finally be the incentive for a Michael Myers cooking show ? This scene has brought more joy than the rest of the film combined. What’s Myers’ thought on turmeric ? Is he on keto ?

Oh, right, the movie. Well, Michael comes home and starts his usual killing and… that’s about it. I mean, can you really blame him ? What if you came home for the first time in over twenty years only to find a bunch of teenagers either fucking in your basement or messing with your kitchen ? I’m not justifying mass murder, but come on, I think we’d all be pretty damn pissed.

Even if this final part is what finally brings some action into the mix, it’s also impossible to justify. What makes the premise completely beside the point in the context of the series is that even in the worst installments, Michael always had a purpose. He always went for the remaining members of his family, even though it was never clear exactly why. The other people he killed were always collateral damage. In killing Laurie, he finally accomplishes what he’s been meaning to do for so long. It could have been interesting to explore what this achievement meant for him. Instead, the plot just has him become a killing machine for a bunch of teenagers, and not a particularly thrilling nor effective one. Why have complexity when you can have a bunch of slo-mo instead, am I right ?

Just like in any ridiculous cinematic experience, there is of course some fun to be found here. We’re talking about a movie where Busta Rhymes kung-fu kicks Michael Myers out of a window. But unfortunately, the fun remains but a distraction from all of the mediocrity unfolding on the screen. This isn’t only a bad horror movie (I seriously pain to see one thing worth being saved. I know the actors are only doing their best with what they have, but God these performances are not good. As for the plot, I believe I’ve made my position on the matter clear enough.), but one that betrayed everything its predecessors stood for. For that reason, even our mockery laughter feels a bit bitter. It was indeed time for the killer to stop until someone with a bit of creative vision took him back under his wing — but it still feels sad for the horror icon to finish his run like this.

I might watch Zombie’s remakes later on, but for now I think I’ve deserved a little Halloween break. I might just try to find Michael’s cooking blog in the meantime. Do you think he has any vegan recipes ?

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probably napping

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